In July, 2014, I planned to take the whole month away from Facebook. But since I’m going to be published on Sweatpants & Coffee on Tuesday, July 22, I came back early. Here are the status updates I never posted.
July 1 –
- I love how Portlanders act like it’s the apocalypse when temperatures approach 100 degrees for two days a year. We earned this, people! Bask in it!
- Desperately wanted to share the She Bop newsletter with the world. ESPECIALLY this fabulous part: Filthy Farmgirl soaps are 100% natural and vegan friendly, and they smell wonderful! We have large bars in beaver, pussy, ass, bitch, and cock, and small bars in sailor, unicorn, bride, and lumberjack.
- Last night, I had a dream that I suddenly took off running, no shoes on, just full tilt and without reason with the intention of never stopping. I had no shoes on, but my feet didn’t hurt. There were two women watching me (and I was in the background watching them watch me – ‘cause dreams are weird!) and they were commenting to each how weird and ill advised my shoelessness was.
- Levar Burton is beginning to piss me off.
- Apparently today is black and white striped skirt day at OHSU.
July 3 –
- Today is my youngest grandson’s first birthday. It’s weird not to have Facebook to share this with. I don’t even have a number I can reliably call my daughter at to say happy birthday to her. So, I just have to feel the sadness and excitement and worry that his first year on the planet has brought all by myself, in a vacuum.
- I saw a tall, thin, blonde, beautiful woman jogging on my way into work. She looked like a graceful gazelle.
- I just Googled “what does bi-weekly mean.” Maybe I’m spent? Is that a sign?
- I’m changing my signature line to “I apologize for the delay.”
- Lying in bed listening to my children play electronics in the living room while I play Scrabble online. I just heard Tolkien yell, “Come at me bro!” to his new Portal 2 game.
July 7 –
- I think hair stylists who don’t tell you that A) they don’t understand what you’re asking, B) they’re incapable of giving you what you’re asking for and/or C) don’t dissuade you from getting something terrible should go shelve canned goods at a grocery store and get out of the personal care business altogether.
- Watching Judge Judy is like watching a family reunion. So. Much. Drama.
July 9 –
- Why has no one invented a cancel button when you push the wrong floor on an elevator?
- If Spotify plays the Alabama Shakes one more time, I’m going to write a sternly worded letter!
July 10 –
- I just took my anxiety medication with the dregs of a day old cup of coffee with “cream” floating on top because I couldn’t be bothered to go get water. It was gross. So, I went and got water.
July 13 –
- THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS!
- The door slamming, bad attitude, constant attack phase of puberty NEVER gets old.
- Every evening that he’s able to, Tolkien likes to sneak into my room when he’s supposed to be in be in bed and load this image on my desktop: http://images.sodahead.com/polls/001548045/1554212500_obama_aw_hell_naw_500x319_answer_1_xlarge.jpeg
- Seen on a church: when you bury the hatchet, don’t mark the grave.
July 14 –
- Seen on a church billboard: In correcting a child, apply light, not heat.
- At jury duty. Going through orientation. Realizing that all juries are populated only by people who didn’t try to get out of it. Wondering what all the implications of that are instead of watching the video. Really want a bagel and some coffee. Hoping there’s Scrabble in the games closet.
- I’ll bet being a decent dude is kind of stressful, ‘cause it seems like there are a lot of assumptions made about men, many of whom don’t deserve it. I mean, for women, too. Sexism is as sexism does, I guess.
- Indigo just called me from Pioneer Place Mall saying he couldn’t find Tolkien. I told him to call security, remain calm, and (not ironically) to be a man. He said, “Okay. I am.” And then he was centered. My heart nearly breaks with love for that kid.
- If Al Yankovic isn’t a god, then he’s at least a king.
- I can’t possibly be the only one for whom pausing to paint your nails is a critical part of the writing process.
- Decided that if I had a medical marijuana dispensary, I’d call it Club Med.
July 15 –
- All over Facebook, I’m starting to see announcements that I graduated from high school 20 years ago, as various schools I attended are arranging 20 year high school reunions. Here’s a short list of things I’d rather do than go to an any-year high school reunion: 1) any form of torture that doesn’t cause an actual chance of significant harm to either me or a loved one or involve blinding physical pain, but which lasts the same amount of time I’d have to devote to the reunion. 2) eat anything ever offered on the show Fear Factor.
- I still love the downtown of nearly any city. All the rest of the stuff about living in a city is up for question.
- Home from day 2 of jury duty. The boys are in a funk. Like usual, they’re combative and have super bad attitudes. Like always, I’ve hit my limit and now they want to know why I’m in a bad mood and refuse to talk to them. To soothe me, Tolkien quietly brought me in a broken music box with a cacophonous tinkling tune and sat it next to me. When I went to ask him what he was doing, he looked at me and said, “ssshhhh…” When Indigo stormed in, grabbed the music box, and said, “Hey! That’s mine!” Tolkien withdrew and walked away crestfallen.
July 16 –
- Early morning call from one distraught son who had just been assaulted at a bus stop by his brother. His lip was bleeding and he had a knot on his head. I handled this as I’ve handled all emergencies all summer – over the phone, while at work. They take turns going to a week of overnight camp starting in four days. I can’t wait. Seven weeks until school starts.
- That moment when you realize your new mascara is waterproof
- Boyfriend has been gone for nearly a week with no communication. I’m officially over it. I’d make a terrible Army wife.
July 17 –
- Apparently 12 is the age at which you stop finding your mom’s jokes funny.
- I’m not obsessing about when today Eric will be back in cell range. I’m not obsessing about when today Eric will be back in cell range. I’m not obsessing about when today Eric will be back in cell range. I’m not obsessing about when today Eric will be back in cell range.
- Parenting week finally coming to an end. Picture this: me in a sweat-soaked shirt and running shorts clinging to my filthy body, which is prostrate on the ground, one hand – half of one hand even – flung limply over the finish line. The last bits of confetti are being swept up by the street sweeper. The boys are prodding me with a stick saying, “Awwww! Come on! Get up! How come you never hang out with us? Mom! Mom! Can we have a soda? Let’s go do something? Just five more minutes of screen time? Mom! Mom! Moooom!”
- Then he was kicked off the Max when I lost my car downtown.
July 18 –
- Pentel R.S.V.P.® Ballpoint Pens, Medium Point 1.0 mm, Clear Barrel, Black Ink, are objectively the best pens.
- New word given to me by the lady in Finance: naggravator.
- “He was the Henry Miller of Rapid City, SD.” Amanda, during her birthday weekend at coast.
- “If things weren’t supposed to go in your asshole, god would’ve given it a gag reflex.” Stacy, at Amanda’s birthday campout
- ME: My air mattress pump has a balloon setting.
- AMANDA: Everything should have a balloon setting. Life would be so much better.
July 20 –
- Happy birthday, Mom!
- Ohmygodshower. I smelled like a dirty hippy. I may burn all my clothes instead of washing them. Does pee come out of flip flops?
- Kids telling dirty jokes. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wOhCzjJ8Kqc So…wrong…