The Clumsy Girl’s 25-Point Guide to Stress Relief

1. Show up to work stressed out and tired.
2. Find new cart for the department waiting for you; discover it came in pieces.
3. Locate mallet and screw driver.
4. Get all the pieces laid out.
5. Make cursory glance at instructions.
6. Begin hammering all of the poles and shelves together. Enjoy the light sweat you experience. When it’s all put together, applaud yourself for a job well done.
7. Pick up instruction sheet. Discover there’s a backside and that on that side it instructs you to put screws into the holes in the top shelf BEFORE you hammer it to the poles.
8. Look at cart. Go completely blank for a second. Take a deep breath.
9. Begin whacking at the top shelf with mallet. Realize you’re getting no traction.
10. Take off sweater and regret that you wore the undershirt with the armpit stains today.
11. Sit down. Stare at cart.
12. Turn cart on side and press with your feet while whacking. Make slow, tiny progress.
13. Take a break. Remove glasses.
14. Wrap hands in abandoned sweater and attempt to pull the top shelf off. Marvel at how well designed this goddammed thing is when it doesn’t budge.
15. Leave office and try to find that new guy – the big one who looks very strong. Discover he’s out today.
16. Return to office. Shut door. Sit down and stare at cart again.
17. Notice that you’re actually making progress.
18. Whack. Sweat. Push with with feet. Curse. Alternate hands when forearms get tired. Finally get the top shelf off.
19. Right at that moment, hear a knock on your office door and yell, “Come in!”
20. Discover it’s not your coworker, but the Staples delivery guy you’ve known for five years. Realize you’re in your armpit stain shirt, covered in face sweat, without your glasses, with disheveled hair and two bloody knuckles.
21. Say, “Hi!” And awkwardly over-explain what just happened, while screwing the handles onto the top shelf, now that you’ve been able to insert the screws.
22. When delivery guy sweetly offers you a high five, show him your bloody hands and decline.
23. When delivery guy offers a hug instead, take it.
24. Finish hammering cart together.
25. Do victory laps up and down the hall while pushing your new cart. Realize you’re no longer stressed out or tired.


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